How To: Write for Flo Rida

How To: Write for Flo Rida

Matt Warrilow brings you the best guide on how YOU can write for Flo Rida, you lucky squire.

FACT Magazine just posted this article.

For those who hate clicking links (after all, that ‘RSI injury’ you sustained really can be painful), they came ‘into possession of a genuine email from Flo Rida’s “team” at Atlantic Records to prospective songwriters which sheds some light on just how the magic works.’

HOLY SHIT, so many questions. How did they get it? Was it in fact FACT magazine who created the Heartbleeds virus? Or are they simply Flo Rida’s lyric writers in disguise. Whatever it may be, this is the email they came across:

“Hey everyone!
I’ve attached a Zip file (Idea & Instrumental) for a Flo Rida idea that the whole team love the melody.. Just needs new lyrics.. Lyric brief is below..Would be great if you had any songwriters who could nail it!
Overall key with Flo Rida is to be masculine, macho, and iconic. Meaning we stay away from soft topics (like “your beautiful” or anything with love in it, unless something nonromantic like “I Love This Shit”).
We try to use concepts that have been #1s before but not interpolate (example “Jump” has been a #1 for Van Halen, Pointer Sisters, Kriss Kross, House Of Pain, and others). We love catch phrases, edgy/sexual double entendres, commands, and HUGGGEEEE melodies + lots of energy.”

Using this to critique the current nature of pop music, and potentially mainstream music generally, would be like shooting fish in a barrel with a huge fucking bazooka.

Instead, I wanted to get in on this action. I’ve listened to plenty of Flo Rida’s songs before, and just presumed he wrote the lyrics. After all, ‘Low’ seems to be about the time he went to a stipclub, got pissed, paid 3 grand for a stripper to ‘Rida’ his ‘Flow’, and from his testimony, she seemed pretty adequate. Any idiot could write that, right? Well, any idiot aside from Flo Rida, obviously.

So I looked at myself in the mirror, and I thought ‘hey, you’re an idiot. You can write lyrics for another idiot, no problems at all!’

holy shit

And I re-read the brief. It had to be macho, and masculine, whilst also including concepts around previous #1s.

So here, ladies and gentlemen, are the lyrics I’ll be sending over to Flo Rida’s team. This, is a song about when Flo Rida had to go to the doctor for a man’s related problem.

‘Get on up my ass baby, because I think I have a problem…JUMP’

Verse 1

Oh man, it’s just another night. Another night where I’m looking quickly for the light
It’s happening again, I really really need to piss. Need to rush now, but don’t want to wake the miss.
Who is in my bed, with all the other bitches. But holy fuck, my ‘Flo Rida’ really itches.
I run, right straight to the loo. None of the honeys have woken up, phew
And there I go, there I, there I go. But I’m struggling with any type of liquid flow
Holy fuck, you can’t imagine the pain. Ain’t no piss coming out, it’s all just a heavy strain
Where I’m expecting a big urine heavy flood, all I get is slight trickles of red blood
It all comes out 20 minutes too late. Then it all clicks. It must be my mother-fucking prostate

Chorus

Oooooh, baby, yeeeeeeah
Must be by my mother-fucking prostate
Make an appointment babyyyyyy
Must be my mother-fucking prostate
JUMP!

Verse 2

So I go and make a bad-ass appointment. So the doctor can give me some bad-ass ointment.
I’m standing at the doctor’s reception, expecting the hot nurse to get me some attention
I wink at the honey and say ‘I’m Flo Rida, she says ‘you’re getting your ass checked by Dr Schneider’
‘Hey nurse, is that some kind of dude?’, ‘Of course it is, and yes he’ll want you fully nude’
There I am, standing with my legs apart. I never do this, unless I’m dropping a massive fart
‘Now Mr Rida, you may feel a slight pain’. Now I know what it must feel like to be fucked by T-Pain
And there it goes, finger right up my ass. It’s all lubed up, feels like a slippery bit of sea-bass
‘I’m sorry Mr Rida, you came to me too late. There seems to be a problem with your mother-fucking prostate’

Repeat chorus forever

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